Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
