Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
