Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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