I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
