Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
you will always have a special place in my vag
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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