I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
