I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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