hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
