So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
