I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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