i need an iv and a liver transplant
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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