Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
