I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
