you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
