I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Randomize
