A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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