If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
