so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
