Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You are the jesus of drinking
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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