This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
