His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
