soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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