I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
