i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
