Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
So squirting runs in the family.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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