just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
