i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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