My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
