I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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