why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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