Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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