Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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