Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
