What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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