I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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