More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Randomize
