I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
