why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
