I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
