i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
