hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
