Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
