i used baking grease as lip gloss
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
