my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
