There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
