I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
