he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Fuck me I smell like cheese
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
