Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
