I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
