And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
