I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
