he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
